When news that comedian Ellen DeGeneres was hired by JC Penney to become their new spokesperson, most Americans either didn’t really care, or thought it was a pretty good fit. After all, her wardrobe is very casual, and looks like it could be pulled from the rack at any Penney store. She’s smart, funny, stylish, and has a singular wit that has endeared her into the hearts of millions of daytime viewers.

But, if you’re the American Family Association, JC Penney’s announcement is yet another sign that you’re losing the culture war. In recent years, the AFA staked their claim on the American culture by launching boycott after boycott over the gays (remember, they were certified as a hate group in 2010 by the Southern Poverty Law Center because of their dishonesty regarding LGBT Americans). Now, not only do they launch another boycott threat, they do it under their “subsidiaries” since they don’t have much clout anymore.

Enter the “One Million Moms.” It’s anyone’s best guess as to exactly how many “moms” are a part of this “group,” but gosh, their name sure does sound intimidating. This is a particularly interesting bunch — but only in the fact that they don’t do anything. Except nag. And whine. And bitch.

Their “action” reports are little more than retreads of the AFA’s emails, all with the purpose of complaining:

  • Tell Family Dollar to close on Christmas Day! Never mind the thousands of movie theatres, Waffle Houses, and chinese buffets that are already open on Christmas Day.
  • Target supports The Trevor Project, a pro-gay anti-suicide hotline! The horror! How dare a TV show encourage struggling LGBT kids to actually talk to someone when they’re wrestling with suicide!
  • Ben & Jerry’s named an ice cream “Schweddy Balls.” The HORRORS!
  • The terrible, evil corporation Walgreens has started selling SEX TOYS! Who wants to venture a guess as to how many “Million Moms” ordered a little something to keep them … ah … amused? But hey, everyone knows that moms don’t have sex.

Their latest “action” — to tell JC Penney to fire Ellen DeGeneres. She’s a LESBIAN! She’s OUT! She is married to a WOMAN! She’s EEEEEBIL! Seriously, where’s Dana Carvey when we need him? Their screed is taken right out of a Saturday Night Live skit:

OMM began contacting JC Penney after the store announced that comedian Ellen DeGeneres would become the company’s new spokesperson. Funny that JC Penney thinks hiring an open homosexual spokesperson will help their business when most of its customers are traditional families. As consumers, what we find tragic is a corporate office and customer service department that not only transfers customers to voicemail, but even hangs up on them rather than verses hearing their concerns.

It is absurd to think that a company would find treating customers in this fashion an acceptable behavior. Our members stated their concerns in a kind, professional manner. Insulting customers by ignoring us will not be tolerated. OMM members can shop elsewhere if JC Penney does not appreciate our business. Unless JC Penney decides to be neutral in the culture war and listen to customers in a considerate fashion, their brand transformation will be unsuccessful.

So let’s get this straight (as if). They want JC Penney to remain “neutral” in the culture war that OMM is fighting with every ounce of their pathetic being. In essence they’re saying to major retailers, “stay silent while we beat the shit out of those horrible gay people.”

You see, OMM, here’s the thing. Major retailers know that gay people shop. We like to shop. We spend money. Supporting gay shoppers is a smart business move, and you’re just going to have to get over it.

For its part, JC Penney made their position clear. They issued an announcement that they stand behind their partnership with DeGeneres, and managed to slap OMM with a very nice, hearty backhand:

In that statement on January 25, company president Michael Francis called DeGeneres “one of the most fun and vibrant people in entertainment today, with great warmth and a down-to-earth attitude.”

Translation: “You freaks at OMM are niether fun nor vibrant — you’re a bunch of cold, stuck-up, snobs.”

Suh-NAP.

Perhaps we need to encourage JC to send the fine folks at OMM some gift certificates to Walgreens. Might help their mood a little.

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