As the “culture war” rages in American politics, those on the far right behave as they are the Rightobots, charged to wage their battle to destroy the evil forces of the Deceptigays. Every time a Deceptigay rears their rainbow-colored heads, the Rightobots launch a full-scale attack with the sheer goal of wiping their great enemy off the map before the Deceptigays take control of the world to do God knows what with it… and force all Rightobots to accept Deceptigay rule. Or something.

In this culture war, the Rightobots will attack anything that looks like a deceptigay. They’ll open up with whatever they can to smash the deceptigay into smithereens. After all, the deceptigays have an agenda, right? With the Rightobot’s power to transform themselves from quiet, simple prayerful Christians into mighty warriors for Straight Power, they have an unlimited arsenal at their disposal.

First, distorted statistics, twisted facts, manipulated studies, then outright lies, and finally, plenty of photos of deceptigays as leather-bound sex fiends in assless chaps that are out to convert the entire world into their image of gay sex on the streets. The Rightobots use false statistics to tell the world that the deceptigays are usually child molesters, alcoholics, and drug addicts. They scare gay-struggling teens with the lie that deceptigays die in their 40s and will never amount to anything good.

Meanwhile, the deceptigays themselves — in the height of the great culture war — sit quietly in their homes as they watch reruns of Will & Grace, wondering what the hell the big fuss is about. Every time they go to check the mail, they’re accused of trying to convert the mailman into a MaleMan. When they go to work, they’re painted as another attempt to recruit construction workers and policemen into the Village People. Deceptigay school teachers are called evil because they want to actually teach science. Deceptigay doctors are told they are just trying to infect Rightobots with a deadly virus called “Common Sense.”

Imagine what would happen if the deceptigays actually decided to fight in the war that keeps coming to them? They might even point out that the real deception… comes from the ones who claim to be the harbingers of truth.

There’s only one problem with the the culture war. It’s not a war. For it to be a war, both sides would have to engage. The reality is is that what the right wing calls a “war” is little more than an attempt by one side to control, dominate, and oppress the other. The LGBT community has absolutely no interest in anything except equality. The religious right, on the other hand, have fought with every ounce of their being to keep the LGBT community out of the public eye, all while they try to twist their massively distorted egos into false martyrdom every time they lose their battles of bigotry.

Gays aren’t trying to take over, plunder, or destroy the world. This scenario might make for a fun parody of the TransFormers cartoon from the 1980s (any episode of which had a more coherent plot than all three of the Michael Bay films combined, by the way), but when it comes to the real world, the truth is as ugly as can be.

The far right, or as some call them “the Religious Right,” might not be “robots in disguise,” but they are indeed masters of disguise. Problem is, they’re neither religious nor right. Especially when it comes to the most high profile of these groups that are locked in battle with the “evil” gay rights supporters.

The American Family Association, the Family Research Council, the Traditional Values Coalition, the Family Research Institute (all certified by the Southern Poverty Law Center as hate groups), and the National Organization for Marriage are the bona-fide leaders of this “culture war.”  Their tactics are simple. They’ll stay in the public eye as they drive yet another boycott against major corporations for supporting LGBT equality or attempting to lead rallies or produce videos to drive their supporters into a frenzy of anti-gay hate. Speaking of boycotts, isn’t it strange how they never boycott Microsoft or Apple, two of the most gay-friendly companies in the world? oh, wait. They can’t. They need their technology. Go figure.

Especially amusing was the AFA and FRC boycott of The Home Depot for becoming too much like The Homo Depot for their support of gay pride festivals — and their declaration of “victory” when The Home Depot changed exactly nothing in their policies.

So let’s review:

The religious right uses weapons of distorted facts, lies, deception, and twisted images to attack the LGBT community.

The gays — for the most part — don’t do much of anything. But if we did decide to fully engage in the culture war, we’d have to use the only weapons we have left that the Religious Right haven’t taken for their arsenal:

Fairness. Equality. Reality. Truth. Justice. And, dare I say it… the American Way.

No wonder the religious right have to transform themselves so much.

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