Coming soon to a bigot near you!

When President Barack Obama made international news by announcing his support for marriage equality (what the other side calls “gay marriage”), reaction from the “religious right” was as swift as it was explosive. Fox Nation immediately (and famously) posted a headline “OBAMA FLIP FLOPS, DECLARES WAR ON MARRIAGE.” Minutes later, the headline was changed to the only slightly less asinine “OBAMA FLIP FLOPS ON MARRIAGE.”

But, the damage was done. War has been declared. It is a declaration of war against an institution that has been consistently and radically changed from its God-intended format: old men paying other old men for wives for their sons.

Yes, it’s a war on marriage. Declared by the President of the United States himself. Every single married couple in America has only a matter of mere months before the Obama administration personally knocks down their doors to destroy their marriage. They’ll rip husbands from their wives, and replace their men with lesbians. Women will have their entire wardrobes replaced with flannel. Their wardrobes will then be given to their former husbands who must now dress in drag.

Men will be forced to endure total home redecorations while they’re coerced to listen to endless marathons of Cher, Madonna, and Dolly Parton albums. With a little Lady Gaga thrown in the mix. They will endure day-long seminars on swagger, snapping, and dialogue coaching. To graduate, they must learn the three-snap-round-the-world-flap move, and execute it flawlessly while dissing each other as “gir-fwien!” Their wives, of course, will be replaced with very large men with handlebar mustaches and a pirate ring in their ears.

Children will be given endless lessons on how to properly address their new same-sex couple parents. Each new parent will be given the opportunity to decide their name. Men will be given the option of “Pap-pap” or “Poppy” or “Butch.” Women will have the option of “Mammy,” or their first name.

If for a moment, you think the preceding satire was at all out of the ordinary, consider this: it’s not far from what some people think will happen. Just for fun, I clicked up “war on marriage,” and the results were… well… entertaining. First up was a whole mess of silliness from the Christian Post:

On May 9th, 2012, the Declaration of War against godly, traditional marriage has been made public by President Barack Obama. [snip]

The war against what God stands for has always played a role in history – good vs. evil – but now it has taken center stage with scores of followers being added daily as such should be deceived.

Make no mistake, this is truly the last day and our last chance to rise up and speak out against the tyranny of the war against God, His people and true Christian morals and values.

Of course. Now it makes sense. Obama ended the war in Iraq and wants to end the war in Afghanistan so that can wage war against God, His people, and true Christian morals and values. That’ll take all of our soldiers. or something.

I really think it’s interesting how so many of our religious media folks have such difficulty in separating the law of the land from Sunday School. To James Dobson, allowing same-sex marriage would throw the the institution of marriage “on the ash heap.”

I can just tell you from my point of view I will be praying even harder about this upcoming election because there is so much at stake. Marriage must be maintained, it’s been in existence on every continent on earth since the Garden of Eden, not just in Christian countries but wherever mankind has taken root, marriage as a relationship between one man and one woman has been honored in law and in practice. Obviously homosexuality has flourished in many places, in Rome, in Greece, in Sodom and Gomorrah, but it has been relationships between one man and one woman because we’re made that way, we’re designed that way. To throw it on the ash heap of history at this stage of our existence and defy the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, which I believe this does, has got to be considered by all of us.

Right Wing Watch also posted some of Tony Perkins’ latest comments. Apparently, he thinks that gay and transgender people “feel like” a particular gender from one day to the next:

This is not about rights. Nobody lost any rights when North Carolina amended their constitution on Tuesday. What was preserved was the ability of parents the way they want to, the ability of religious organizations to associate based upon their shared faith and not be forced to change that because of someone’s sexual orientation, public accommodations are not wide open to whoever wants them based upon what gender they feel like for the day. This issue as it’s beginning to unfold now not theoretically but in very practical ways as people are losing jobs, churches are being forced into certain things, people realize this is not about two people living together and loving each other, it’s about fundamentally changing America.

Of course it’s not about rights. Of course nobody lost any rights. That’s because his organization hasn’t gotten to take them from us and throw us into jail yet. Perkins, the ever-so-casual hate group leader, even says that our whole society will suffer because a few gays might actually get full equality one day:

For nearly a generation we’ve neglected marriage, leaving it nearly defenseless to homosexual activists who are now trying to redefine marriage out of existence. Same-sex marriage, it contradicts God’s will as revealed in the created order, violating God’s law only brings pain and heartache. Right is called wrong; evil is called good, it is because we have wielded moral authority to the demands of special interests or the ruling of some aberrant judge. As a result, all of society suffers.

One of Perkins’ predecessors, fellow mouthy bigot Gary Bauer, has some equally unkind things to say about Obama’s support for equality. To Bauer, it might not be a full-on war, but his version of the president is one that is “out to undermine marriage:”

The charade is finally up. We’ve always known that Barack Obama supports same-sex marriage. With every action he’s taken, from court appointments to his rhetoric, he’s been preparing the way to undermine traditional marriage. Obama’s finally made that support explicit.

While Perkins and Bauer are comfortable with their own rhetoric, leave it to Rush Limbaugh to really cut to the quick of the matter — making the whole mess into a “war on traditional America.”

He then wondered if Obama’s “war on traditional marriage” was similar to the “war on stay at home working mothers” and the “war on the Catholic Church.” Limbaugh accused Obama and liberals for trying to “turn traditional institutions on their head,” which forces him to get involved.

“People like me, who are minding their own business, all of a sudden have to stand up and defend these traditions and institutions from people like…the president, who’s waging a war on traditional America.” Speaking directly to the caller, Limbaugh said that gay marriage will “never” win at the ballot box. “You’re always going to need a corrupt judge to overturn the vote of the people,” he said.

I’m quite certain that I don’t want to read what Limbaugh’s idea of “traditional America” is. Especially since his version of “tradition” and “marriage” includes having had at least five “traditional marriages.”

To hear these people talk, whenever Obama has a hamburger, he’s declaring war on fish. Or he’s declaring war on Coke every time he has a Pepsi. It’s war on Budweiser if he sips a Guinness. It’s a war on college sports if he goes to visit his daughter’s softball game.

Or if he were to light a candle for a romantic dinner with Mrs. Obama, it’s a war on light bulbs.

The fact is that for there to be a war, there must be two opposing sides. This isn’t a war on marriage. This is a blitzkrieg — a massive lightning invasion by the far right as they work to overrun decency, basic human rights, fairness, and any hope of equality for LGBT Americans.

Gays are not locked in combat. We are the ones being denied basic rights. We are the ones told by voters that we cannot have marriage equality.

Let’s face it. The right wing doesn’t want a war. They want an extermination of equality. When the right wing sees any LGBT rights, they turn into the specter or Darth Sideous:

Wipe them out. All of them.

May the Force be with us.