Note: definitely listen to the podcast on this one… it’s too much fun not to!

I want to thank Facebook for inspiring me on the topic of marriage equality. One man commented about the prevailing “pie” mentality among conservatives on the issue of marriage equality — and it really got me thinking.

Imagine for a moment that marriage is a pie. A fresh, out-of-the oven, cooling on the rack, perfectly baked pecan pie. Here in the South, you know, we call it a pea-can pah. For many Americans, that pecan pie was the norm. It was a pie that was only made for a man and a woman. It was as perfect as could be.

Then one day, some crazy fruit lover comes along, and wants a slice of apple pie. He’s never liked pecan pie, and he’s never been interested in it. Oh, he might have had a slice or two pecan pie when he was younger, but he finally came to terms with the fact that he was really an apple pie kind of guy.

This, naturally, enraged the establishment of the pecan pie. After all, the pecan pie was the traditional pie, and that only a man and a woman could have a pecan pie. God himself made the pecan pie. That’s just the way it is! We can’t possibly redefine pecan pie to become apple pie!

And the notion of letting some apple pie lover to have a slice of our pecan pie — how horrid! How revolting! It’s our pie! It’s a straight-only pie! For there to be another pie is an attack on the institution of pecan piety! Our pie is the only true pie. There is no other pie.

After all, if we allow apple pie to share the shelf with pecan pie, the next thing you know, a lemon meringue pie will want to come along. Worse yet, a danish might want to be a pie!

But, you say, lemon meringue pie was legalized by the Supreme Court in 1963. And Americans have a fundamental right to pie. So it’s only natural for an apple pie to want to share the shelf with the meringue pie and the pecan pie.

We don’t want any pecan pie. Our apple pie has absolutely nothing to do with your pecan pie — or even your meringue pie. And for the record, meringue pie is absolutely beautiful. Especially when it’s from Grand Rivers, Kentucky.

You can have your pecan pie. Your pecan pie is not threatened in any way by our apple pie. By sharing the shelf with our apple pie, you still get to keep every bit of your pecan pie.

It’s not even a redefinition of pie. Just different ingredients. And it’s completely, totally American. And it’s great a la mode.

See? It really is easy as pie.

It’s simple, really. The notion that you can’t have your marriage unless you keep me from having mine is utterly ridiculous. Michael Airhart described this mindset succinctly, “to ensure that I have more, you must have less.”

For me to have marriage does not take away from your marriage. It doesn’t threaten your marriage. It just means that I get to have my own marriage. Trust me, I don’t want yours. Managing mine will be quite enough, thank you.

So it’s time to stop hoarding over that pecan pie that I never wanted in the first place. I’ve got my own pie. I just want it recognized by the federal government.

Now, who wants some pie?

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